Thursday, September 27, 2012

Thursday Throwback: R.I.P Big Jay

In my first blog I mentioned how I used to "blog" on Myspace  I don't even know if that's what it was called back then. But I wrote on there and published it for the world (aka my friend list) to see. And some of the stuff is good despite it's outlet. I know at some point I'm going to have to close my account and I don't want my words to be lost forever, so I've decided that every so often, I'll pull one of those posts over here.

Last week I went to a funeral at the same funeral home I went to when a friend of mine passed, which reminded me of this blog and that's why I've decided to share it first.

side note: I actually had to log into Myspace to get this. It only took me 3 or 4 tries to get my email/password right. Then I realized how much it changed and it took me a little bit to figure out how to even navigate over there in that ghost town. Full disclosure though? Myspace will always be my first love when it comes to social networking. So without further adieu.........

R.I.P BIG JAY (12/7/08)

For those of you who knew Jay, you knew that he didn't always make the best of decisions. Hell, his death was a tribute to the bad decisions he did make. But for those of you who really knew Jay, you knew that the measure of that man far exceeds any bad choice he's made.

I can't sit here and pretend that Jay was one of my best friends. I can't tell you how we used to hang out on a regular basis or how we were so close. I know that as much as it hurt me to wake up this morning and find out that he had passed, I know that it hurts so many of you out there much more. I know that some of you are feeling this loss more than I ever will.

What I can tell you is that I did consider Jay a friend. And it wasn't that long ago that I spent quite a bit of time with him. I met Jay about 2 summers ago at my uncle's cottage when he came up with his brother, Roger, who I had known for some time. That weekend I got to really get to know what kind of person Jay was over hours of tippy-cup, "I never...", tubing, bonfires and s'mores making. The problem is, when you mix alcohol and that many people, drama is BOUND to unfold. And this time, I was in the center of it. After blowing up at my then boyfriend, Steve, I stormed off and sat crying on my uncle's pontoon boat. Jay, being the guy that he is, sat out on the boat with me until the sun came up just talking to me. He talked to me about my relationship with Steve. He talked to me about his past. He calmed me down and was there for me. This guy, whom I just met, cared enough about me as a person to sit up, calm me down and just talk to me. Although I hadn't had much of an opinion of him prior to this (as we really didn't know each other), my opinion of him was forever changed in that moment. Jay and I continued to see each other throughout that summer and the following few years. He was always my arch nemesis when it came to tippy cup. We were constantly vying for the title of "tippy cup champ" and trash talking each other over a plastic cup. Jay even showed up at our engagement party and of course, was the life of the party. He was supposed to be invited to the wedding, alas, we had to cut him from the invite list (amongst MANY others) when we approached and surpassed the 300 person marker. Not to mention any of the many other times that I was able to hang out with him.

In the end, I will remember Jay for all the good things he brought to my life, as well as so many others. I will not remember him for the demons he constantly had to fight or the weakness he succumbed to. To me, Jay will always be the kind-hearted man that I met that summer at my uncle's. I urge all of you to find a good memory of him and hold on to it. And if you feel up to it, please feel free to share it here. He will never leave us if we always carry him in our memories and in our hearts.

2/20/85 to 12/14/08

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Happy 6 Month Birthday, Adelyn Rose!!!

Okay, so Adelyn's birthday was actually on the 12th. Which, makes this blog over a week late. But, it's not my fault. My dog ate my blog. Well, not my dog really. Internet explorer did though. I tried & tried to get on last week but I just couldn't do it. It would let me read mine & other people's posts but wouldn't let me actually post a blog. Finally I got smart and read the error message that popped up. Apparently is not compatible with internet explorer. So I had to come out of what must be the dark ages of the interwebs and get google chrome. At least it's not too bad over here.

Sooooooooo, anywho...... Last week my baby girl turned 6 months old. I can't believe it. We've already made it half a year. And I'm sure the other half will go even faster. Especially with all the holiday ruckus.  Even though we've made it this far. She still seems like such a baby to me. Maybe it's because I have Lily and the 2 kids I nanny for. Or maybe it's because she's still not rolling over, unless it's to get a toy and she's still not sitting up. I give her plenty of opportunity to do both but to no avail. During tummy time she's happy to just lay there and talk to her toys. If I try to move her toys to entice the rolling from belly to back she just talks to her hands or the blanket or whatever will "listen". If I try to get her to sit, she just flops one way or another. She's finally getting better in the Bumbo so I'm hoping those muscles are strengthening.

She's still one of the happiest babies I've ever met. She's always quick to smile and giggle. She's mostly a great sleeper and has happily eaten everything we've tried with the exception of avocado.

She truly is amazing and I've loved watching her grow. Each month, starting at 2 months, I've taken her picture next to a lamb/blanket that has her name on it. The "lovey" came from Steve's work. Thanks EQ! =)  Here are those pictures in sequential order so that we can all see the progression she's made from a newborn to infant and now to baby. I've added a few that didn't follow suit in order to see her before 2 months.

 My wittle lucky charm. This was taken the day we left the hospital, make her 1 day old. 

Easter pics taken when she was almost a month old. 

The rest of these are pretty self explanatory. 

All together now as a whole...AWWWWWWW! 

Anyone who knows me knows that I looooove to plan a party. So, don't you worry. Plans for her 1st birthday are already in the works! Well, the works in my brain and on Pinterest at least.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The Good Mom

I'm going to start a series of "bad mommy confessions", things that I do or don't do that makes me a less than exemplary mom & wife. But, I want to start with this first.

Recently I have several people whom I look up to tell me that I'm a good mom. I can't express how good that makes me feel. It's always good to hear compliments but to hear that people think I'm a good mom is the highest one I could be paid.

I don't look at myself as a great mother.  I'm just a mom who does her best with what she knows & feels in her heart. As I feel so many other moms do. It's so hard when you hold your baby and know that as a mother (or father) what you do will impact this persons life forever. You hold a life in your hands that is yours to mold and shape, at the very least, a decent member of society. But our children can be so much more than that. And it's our job to help them to that extraordinary position. Which is such a HUGE responsibility. And as a mother, I second guess every choice I make. Is this the right choice not for me, but for my child as an individual. Can I set aside my inherently selfish ways to make the best decision for this child? It's something I struggle with constantly. So, when people tell me I'm a good mother, I appreciate it so much. I recall those compliments when I'm having a day where nothing I do feels right or good enough. On the days that I'm scraping by and feeling like I'm failing, I remember that people I admire think that I'm not failing, I'm not just getting by, I'm succeeding. At least in the grand scheme of things.

So, I want to thank everyone who has told me that. You may not have known the weight of the words when you said them, but I carry that compliment in my heart.

With that, I'd like to pass on the joyous feeling to some of the people I know who don't feel like the greatest moms. I won't mention names but they are friends who feel like nothing they do is right. That there really is no right answer. Being a mom has come natural to me. It made it easier since I was in such a good place in life. Some of my mom friends it hasn't come natural to. And some of those people didn't have baby(ies) under the best circumstances. But you ladies still do the best you can. You give all that you can give. You fight for your baby(ies) to have the best life possible even if it's not everything you want to give them. And that, my friends, makes YOU a good mom.

Steve once told me that being a good mom isn't about the easy times. Almost any woman, when given a happy baby can be a good or even great mom. Feed them, play with them, put them to bed. Easy peasy. Being a good mom is all the things you do inbetween. The middle of the night feedings when you can barely open your eyes. Going to work when your heart breaks because you're leaving your child to provide the best life for your child. Holding a baby for hours on end because s/he is colicky and only stops when you hold him/her. And sometimes doesn't even stop then! Fighting tooth and nail for the best interests of your child when all you want to do is give up & give in. Being at your wits end with a toddler who is emotional and acting out. Sitting up with a child who is sick or just had a bad dream. And at some point, letting your child go & grow. Accepting that they're becoming an adult and letting them make their own mistakes and way. The good moments are important, but those are the moments that great mothers are made.

Ladies, the biggest thing we have to remember is that even if you don't do it all right all the time, you are still a good mother.